This spring, I was asked by the Happy Valley Library and the Lake Oswego Parks and Recreation Department to offer several weeks of Mindfulness programs to serve their communities while they coped with the global COVID-19 pandemic. I learned that as people began dealing with the “new normal,” they felt that their lives were turned abnormally “upside down.” This topsy-turvy world caused great stress. How can Mindfulness help us live in this unfamiliar world we find ourselves in? Mindfulness is designed to address real life challenges. I hope that this blog would help you in dealing with the uncertainty and changes we face during these extraordinary times as well as when we can feel the rhythms of normalcy in our daily lives. Mindfulness practice is not just about sitting in meditation; it also embodies the following aspects:
So, how can Mindfulness practice can be used in overcoming the stress from radical changes to our lives during this pandemic? Insight into the nature of reality reveals that change is the norm and not an exception. Some changes are gradual and harder to notice, while others are radical. If you look carefully into nature, you’ll realize that everything changes. Just look at your own body. It is always changing: skin tone, hair loss, weight changes, aging, etc. If we don’t notice some of these subtle changes, we may become deluded into thinking and wishing that things remain the same — a false concept of normalcy. The notion of things changing as not being normal is neither scientific nor realistic. It is downright incorrect. As we come to understand that reality is in constant flux, we lose our aversion to change — a major cause of stress. Also, we when learn not to cling to how things were, another stress factor is gone. Biology and neuroscience provide good answers to the delusion that things should remain the same. All organisms, including human beings strive for reliability, dependability, sustainability, predictability and normalcy for survival purposes. The more difficult it is for an organism to predict and rely on its knowledge about its environment, the harder it is for that organism to survive. Humans, a species that has adapted to so many different types of environments around the world for centuries, are designed for survival and not for happiness. However, we have the capacity, through our neocortex, to regulate emotions for happiness. In dealing with loneliness as an outcome of social distancing, for example, we can focus on the aspects of Wisdom and Skillful Means of mindfulness practice and use them to overcome the stress of loneliness and to cultivate happiness. Here’s how: Relativity: There are many levels of loneliness. You may come to realize that your condition is not so bad compared to what others in solitary confinement or torture chambers, for example, may be experiencing. Imagine what the late Senator John McCain experienced as a prisoner of war in Vietnam. Options for connectivity: Humans are a social species and our connections to people are essential for us to survive. In the midst of this global pandemic, however, it is wise from a public health perspective to maintain social distance. Yet there are so many different ways that you can still connect with people: phone calls, virtual meetings, meeting outdoors six-feet apart with masks on, waving hello to people you pass by on daily walks, etc. Focus on interconnectedness: You can choose to focus your mind not on the loneliness, but on the interconnectedness of your being with everything that is in nature — wild animals, birds, insects, flowers, trees, the weather, etc. Nature is always interacting with you in this universe of life experience; you are in this together all the time. You even breathe in and out the air that we all share. Focus on the positive: The time away from commuting and meetings that you now have, for example, provides you with the gift of time for you to do things that you did not have time for before, things that can improve your well-being. For example, you can clean your home and do repairs, learn how to cook or sew or paint, read more books or take online classes, etc. Practice is the practice. With practice you can reorient your mind and train it to look at things and phenomena that help you to overcome suffering and to cultivate happiness. Our brains are neuroplastic, which means that we can guide our brains to change in response to experience and create more positive neural connections. Regular meditation is a way to exercise your mind to help you develop these coping skills and to deal with life challenges beyond loneliness. Think of it this way: your life must end. Why not be happy now? Is it better to feel miserable? Isn’t it better to live happily every day and savor this limited life experience on earth and fill it with the richness and joy of living? Let’s make this life worth living and kick the can of stress. All good wishes for a healthy and happier New Year!
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Wisdom is a heuristic learning process. We develop wisdom as we live for it is derived from our direct experience, coupled with our reflection upon our experience. So how can we apply our life’s wisdom to achieving more happiness? We are, of course, social beings. This means that we live in interdependency with others. The wisdom of “right relationships” points towards how they bring joy to life. Happiness is critical for a good quality of life and makes life worth living. The more and deeper we connect with others, the happier we become. Contrariwise, we suffer when we disconnect with others and from the subsequent friction that arises. As the Dhamampada teaches (the Buddha’s path to wisdom that is part of the ancient Pali cannon): There are those who do not realize that one day we all must die. The good news is that happiness is in our control according to Sonja Lyubomirsky, a psychologist at the University of California Riverside and author of The Myths of Happiness and The How of Happiness. See an interview with her below and learn more. May peace and happiness be with you like a never-departing shadow.
A student recently suggested that I view psychiatrist Robert Waldinger’s 13-minute TED Talk on the longitudinal Harvard study of adult development that has tracked 700 men over a period of 75 years. Dr. Waldinger, the study’s fourth director, summarized the findings as follows:
While the presentation is well-done, I have a few bones to pick about setting up the notion of happiness to rely chiefly on our outside relationships. So often it is said that “relationships are the key to happiness,” and we begin to reflect upon our relations to others (friends, family, community, etc.). However, as we look deeper into the true nature of relationships, the connection between relationships and happiness is not that simple and may even be misleading. It is disingenuous to say that our suffering is caused by lack of availability or not having a relationship. A person may express self-pity and say that s/he is an only child and that both parents are dead. On the other hand, a person may have many siblings and living parents but chooses to be in touch with them rarely. Toxic relationships, such with as abusive parents or a spouse, may actually cause suffering instead of happiness. A person’s misconstrued sense of being unwanted by others, may even lead to violent acts such as in the case of the infamous Columbine High School massacre. Mindfulness practice emphasizes a person's internal capacity for and cultivation of well-being. When a person succeeds in improving his/her relationship with himself/herself, such as removal of destructive emotions or attitudes, then his or her relationship with others will naturally improve with ease. Suppose you know a person who has a tendency to be impatient, an example of a destructive emotion. Notice how this quality plays out to affect that person's well-being as well as its impact on others. Impatience breeds a lack of tolerance, an agitated mind, and an energy that is not peaceful in nature. The impatient person is usually high-strung, easily agitated, and hot-headed. Inside the person’s body, the heart pounds and there is tension whenever temper flares up. People around this person often feel unsafe, disrespected, not heard, and offended. As a response to the disturbance they feel, others guard against attack and prepare for possible retaliation by the impatient one. Thus a tendency toward impatience causes unproductive and even harmful relationships all around and inside. But positive change is possible. We have the potential to rewire ourselves for better, happier relationships. The impatient person may eradicate impatience by realizing its unproductive nature. A person’s commitment to understanding the benefits of being patient, then consciously cultivating the practice of being patient, can shift the entire nexus of relationships (with self and others) to be peaceful and more productive. In addition, through Mindfulness practice, we can develop inner strength and peace to the point of self-sufficiency with regard to our ability to cultivate inner happiness. We learn to rely less on what or how other people treat us and enjoy going inside to find solace. No doubt, peaceful, supportive, loving relationships bring us joy. However, our true happiness relies more on our cultivation of inner skills than outer relationships. Mindfulness literature portrays the practice of generosity as the first prerequisite to the rest of the Ten Perfections. This precedence emphasizes the importance of generosity. Without generosity, the mind is tight, selfish, bound and shackled by a strong ego. Under such weight, it is not possible to find relief or explore what is possible. With your own awareness of body, feelings, and mind, you can notice how generosity feels. It is light and not heavy. It engenders feelings of being at ease, warmheartedness, open and peaceful. It has a sensation of positive energy. Now consider its opposite — stinginess. Feel the tightness, constriction, tension, fear and lack of ease in your body. In your mind’s eye, experience the burden of your thoughts as consider the concept of stinginess. Biochemistry shows that how we feel directly affects chemical reactions in our body through hormonal secretions and electrical spikes commensurate to our state of mind. So, if we truly listen to ourselves we know deep down that generosity promotes good health and happiness. Check out the recent article by Terri Yablonsky Stat on the benefits of giving for your own health and happiness. What would you do if you were to die today? Death is certain, although most of the time we do not know when. Certainly, Michael Jackson, John Lennon and Portland grocery owner, John Zupan, did not expect to die on the day they died. Knowing that life will end, why not resolve to be happy NOW instead of later? As a hospital chaplain I have the privilege of being with the dying and learned that the foremost topic on their minds is a review of their relationships (with self and others). They express a wish to have led a happier life, to affirm love for someone, or to seek forgiveness from someone even though these earnest desires cannot now be realized.In his book, Tuesdays With Morrie, author Mitch Albom recounts the last days of Morrie Schwartz, his 78 year-old sociology professor at Brandeis University who is terminally ill with Lou Gehrig's disease. Schwartz affirms that people should express love, joy, and other positive affections to those they care for while they are still alive, not just at their memorial services. And so Morrie stages his own farewell party while he is still able to enjoy his family and friends. Why don’t we prioritize developing positive relationships with ourselves and with others while we are still alive and have plenty of time to do so? When we are deluded that death is not imminent and we have a long life ahead of us, we forget that happiness is the primary goal of life. Instead, we get caught in the means (more wealth, status, etc.) to be happy, thinking that the means are the ends in themselves. In our self-sufficient pride, we are deluded into thinking that we are independent and ignorant of the fact that we are indeed interdependent. We forget about our need to nurture positive relationships, to offer forgiveness, to be generous, to express our appreciation, and to be tolerant of others.On the other hand, we feel responsible for all the unfortunate things that happen in our lives. We take them personally, judge ourselves harshly, and develop negative relationship with ourselves. With this mindset, we are deluded into thinking that we can control things that we cannot.Mindfulness meditation practice not only promotes your physical and mental health but it also offers insight on how to be happy where you are at in the moment. |
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