A student recently suggested that I view psychiatrist Robert Waldinger’s 13-minute TED Talk on the longitudinal Harvard study of adult development that has tracked 700 men over a period of 75 years. Dr. Waldinger, the study’s fourth director, summarized the findings as follows:

1. Good relationships keep us happier and healthier.
2. Social relationships are good for us, and loneliness kills.
3. Good relationships don’t just protect our bodies; they protect our brains.

 
While the presentation is well-done, I have a few bones to pick about setting up the notion of happiness to rely chiefly on our outside relationships.
 
So often it is said that “relationships are the key to happiness,” and we begin to reflect upon our relations to others (friends, family, community, etc.). However, as we look deeper into the true nature of relationships, the connection between relationships and happiness is not that simple and may even be misleading. It is disingenuous to say that our suffering is caused by lack of availability or not having a relationship. A person may express self-pity and say that s/he is an only child and that both parents are dead. On the other hand, a person may have many siblings and living parents but chooses to be in touch with them rarely. Toxic relationships, such with as abusive parents or a spouse, may actually cause suffering instead of happiness. A person’s misconstrued sense of being unwanted by others, may even lead to violent acts such as in the case of the infamous Columbine High School massacre.
 
Mindfulness practice emphasizes a person's internal capacity for and cultivation of well-being. When a person succeeds in improving his/her relationship with himself/herself, such as removal of destructive emotions or attitudes, then his or her relationship with others will naturally improve with ease.
 
Suppose you know a person who has a tendency to be impatient, an example of a destructive emotion. Notice how this quality plays out to affect that person's well-being as well as its impact on others. Impatience breeds a lack of tolerance, an agitated mind, and an energy that is not peaceful in nature. The impatient person is usually high-strung, easily agitated, and hot-headed. Inside the person’s body, the heart pounds and there is tension whenever temper flares up. People around this person often feel unsafe, disrespected, not heard, and offended. As a response to the disturbance they feel, others guard against attack and prepare for possible retaliation by the impatient one. Thus a tendency toward impatience causes unproductive and even harmful relationships all around and inside.
 
But positive change is possible. We have the potential to rewire ourselves for better, happier relationships. The impatient person may eradicate impatience by realizing its unproductive nature. A person’s commitment to understanding the benefits of being patient, then consciously cultivating the practice of being patient, can shift the entire nexus of relationships (with self and others) to be peaceful and more productive.
 
In addition, through Mindfulness practice, we can develop inner strength and peace to the point of self-sufficiency with regard to our ability to cultivate inner happiness. We learn to rely less on what or how other people treat us and enjoy going inside to find solace.
 
No doubt, peaceful, supportive, loving relationships bring us joy. However, our true happiness relies more on our cultivation of inner skills than outer relationships.

Another month, another question to ponder and share thoughts with other like-minded practitioners: How does your meditation practice affect your relationship to yourself and your relationships with others?

What would you do if you were to die today? Death is certain, although most of the time we do not know when. Certainly, Michael Jackson, John Lennon and Portland grocery owner, John Zupan, did not expect to die on the day they died.  Knowing that life will end, why not resolve to be happy NOW instead of later? As a hospital chaplain I have the privilege of being with the dying and learned that the foremost topic on their minds is a review of their relationships (with self and others). They express a wish to have led a happier life, to affirm love for someone, or to seek forgiveness from someone even though these earnest desires cannot now be realized.In his book, Tuesdays With Morrie, author Mitch Albom recounts the last days of Morrie Schwartz, his 78 year-old sociology professor at Brandeis University who is terminally ill with Lou Gehrig's disease. Schwartz affirms that people should express love, joy, and other positive affections to those they care for while they are still alive, not just at their memorial services. And so Morrie stages his own farewell party while he is still able to enjoy his family and friends.

Why don’t we prioritize developing positive relationships with ourselves and with others while we are still alive and have plenty of time to do so? When we are deluded that death is not imminent and we have a long life ahead of us, we forget that happiness is the primary goal of life. Instead, we get caught in the means (more wealth, status, etc.) to be happy, thinking that the means are the ends in themselves.

In our self-sufficient pride, we are deluded into thinking that we are independent and ignorant of the fact that we are indeed interdependent. We forget about our need to nurture positive relationships, to offer forgiveness, to be generous, to express our appreciation, and to be tolerant of others.On the other hand, we feel responsible for all the unfortunate things that happen in our lives. We take them personally, judge ourselves harshly, and develop negative relationship with ourselves. With this mindset, we are deluded into thinking that we can control things that we cannot.Mindfulness meditation practice not only promotes your physical and mental health but it also offers insight on how to be happy where you are at in the moment.