This spring, I was asked by the Happy Valley Library and the Lake Oswego Parks and Recreation Department to offer several weeks of Mindfulness programs to serve their communities while they coped with the global COVID-19 pandemic. I learned that as people began dealing with the “new normal,” they felt that their lives were turned abnormally “upside down.” This topsy-turvy world caused great stress.
 
How can Mindfulness help us live in this unfamiliar world we find ourselves in? Mindfulness is designed to address real life challenges. I hope that this blog would help you in dealing with the uncertainty and changes we face during these extraordinary times as well as when we can feel the rhythms of normalcy in our daily lives.
 
Mindfulness practice is not just about sitting in meditation; it also embodies the following aspects:

• Goal: The aim of Mindfulness is to align with the goal of attaining well-being and happiness in life.
• Meditation: The purpose of mind exercise to develop our own capacity for mind control and to gain insight.
• Skillful Means: The good news is that we can gain proficiency in utilizing our mental resources to overcome suffering.
• Insight & Wisdom: These tools of self-knowledge guide us to learn the truth about reality and how things actually are.
• Ethics: Moral principles are necessary to create both the internal and the external environments conducive to happiness.
• Scientific Perspective: Science is rooted in predictable, replicable and reliable methods — not based on mere beliefs.

 
So, how can Mindfulness practice can be used in overcoming the stress from radical changes to our lives during this pandemic? Insight into the nature of reality reveals that change is the norm and not an exception. Some changes are gradual and harder to notice, while others are radical.
 
If you look carefully into nature, you’ll realize that everything changes. Just look at your own body. It is always changing: skin tone, hair loss, weight changes, aging, etc. If we don’t notice some of these subtle changes, we may become deluded into thinking and wishing that things remain the same — a false concept of normalcy.
 
The notion of things changing as not being normal is neither scientific nor realistic. It is downright incorrect. As we come to understand that reality is in constant flux, we lose our aversion to change — a major cause of stress. Also, we when learn not to cling to how things were, another stress factor is gone.
 
Biology and neuroscience provide good answers to the delusion that things should remain the same. All organisms, including human beings strive for reliability, dependability, sustainability, predictability and normalcy for survival purposes. The more difficult it is for an organism to predict and rely on its knowledge about its environment, the harder it is for that organism to survive. Humans, a species that has adapted to so many different types of environments around the world for centuries, are designed for survival and not for happiness. However, we have the capacity, through our neocortex, to regulate emotions for happiness.

A student recently suggested that I view psychiatrist Robert Waldinger’s 13-minute TED Talk on the longitudinal Harvard study of adult development that has tracked 700 men over a period of 75 years. Dr. Waldinger, the study’s fourth director, summarized the findings as follows:

1. Good relationships keep us happier and healthier.
2. Social relationships are good for us, and loneliness kills.
3. Good relationships don’t just protect our bodies; they protect our brains.

 
While the presentation is well-done, I have a few bones to pick about setting up the notion of happiness to rely chiefly on our outside relationships.
 
So often it is said that “relationships are the key to happiness,” and we begin to reflect upon our relations to others (friends, family, community, etc.). However, as we look deeper into the true nature of relationships, the connection between relationships and happiness is not that simple and may even be misleading. It is disingenuous to say that our suffering is caused by lack of availability or not having a relationship. A person may express self-pity and say that s/he is an only child and that both parents are dead. On the other hand, a person may have many siblings and living parents but chooses to be in touch with them rarely. Toxic relationships, such with as abusive parents or a spouse, may actually cause suffering instead of happiness. A person’s misconstrued sense of being unwanted by others, may even lead to violent acts such as in the case of the infamous Columbine High School massacre.
 
Mindfulness practice emphasizes a person's internal capacity for and cultivation of well-being. When a person succeeds in improving his/her relationship with himself/herself, such as removal of destructive emotions or attitudes, then his or her relationship with others will naturally improve with ease.
 
Suppose you know a person who has a tendency to be impatient, an example of a destructive emotion. Notice how this quality plays out to affect that person's well-being as well as its impact on others. Impatience breeds a lack of tolerance, an agitated mind, and an energy that is not peaceful in nature. The impatient person is usually high-strung, easily agitated, and hot-headed. Inside the person’s body, the heart pounds and there is tension whenever temper flares up. People around this person often feel unsafe, disrespected, not heard, and offended. As a response to the disturbance they feel, others guard against attack and prepare for possible retaliation by the impatient one. Thus a tendency toward impatience causes unproductive and even harmful relationships all around and inside.
 
But positive change is possible. We have the potential to rewire ourselves for better, happier relationships. The impatient person may eradicate impatience by realizing its unproductive nature. A person’s commitment to understanding the benefits of being patient, then consciously cultivating the practice of being patient, can shift the entire nexus of relationships (with self and others) to be peaceful and more productive.
 
In addition, through Mindfulness practice, we can develop inner strength and peace to the point of self-sufficiency with regard to our ability to cultivate inner happiness. We learn to rely less on what or how other people treat us and enjoy going inside to find solace.
 
No doubt, peaceful, supportive, loving relationships bring us joy. However, our true happiness relies more on our cultivation of inner skills than outer relationships.